SORRY!

I apologize for my long absense.  I have not forgotten and I will sit down to post soon.  Not only have I been a coughing mess lately but I have been busy busy at work with photos.   When I get the chance in my forced-down-time later this week I will come up with a juicy confession!  Right.  It's me.  How juicy can it be??  

Confession #3

I am incredibly stubborn. Strong Willed. Hard Headed. Down to my last thread. Right. This is some sort of revelation. Those who have known me more than 5 minutes are rolling their eyes. THANKS Captain Obvious! Now tell us a CONFESSION, PAULA. The first time it was clear that I was stubborn in my recollection was when I was barely older than a toddler and I had a totally irrational and gripping fear of running water. I went into full hysterics if my mom left the room while the bath was running. Prone to exaggeration for drama - yes, but I am really not kidding as I explain this. I can actually remember the day I came to terms with my fear and turned on the FAUCET all by myself for the first time. I am not kidding. I was in kindergarten. Bizarre. It changed as I got a little older. I wouldn't clean my room. And, I would NOT hang my clothes. Despite being in the Sesame Street phase I strongly recall the path I would tiptoe thru because the floor was covered in toys despite my mom's strong urging to clean as I go. In 4th grade I hurled my duck shoe thru the French pane window because I was so ANGRY that my mom forced me up right after school to clean. I spent many a Thursday afternoon vacuuming my own room because I REFUSED to clean it BEFORE my mom's ritual Thursday cleaning. In 5th grade I had to wear ugly red hand-me-down pants to school for TWO WEEKS STRAIGHT (the horror and embarrassment) because I refused to hang up my pile of brand new Christmas clothes and instead shoved them under my bed so my mom took all of them away. She only warned me about twenty times. It wasn't blatantly obvious to me yet that I was stubborn back in 1991 when I refused to play a card game no matter how much I was coerced and I was called nasty words for it? It wasn't obvious to me that I was stubborn that same year when I had to not like the music played by my then-boyfriend, Ian, JUST BECAUSE. It has to be on my terms and I have to ease into things if I am uncomfortable. I can make life-changing decisions on a whim as long as it is ON MY TERMS. But when my head says no, it says NO. DARNIT. I know this about myself. I have known it for a very long time. I work every day to expand my comfort level and I am far better then I was back in 1991. But the terrible trait still exists. What I just realized TODAY is that I can't trick my stubborn brain into doing something before I am ready. It just doesn't work. I have been forcing myself to do something I just was NOT ready to do for two and a half years! How can it flow if it is a battle against my own will the entire time? But I decided when I invested in the VERY expensive D2X that I HAD to be in business to justify such a pricey camera. I had some talent, a little skill, and a touch of confidence and a little bit of faith and I jumped in with both feet and didn't look back just like the Madonna song told me to do. And, WOW, it worked! I was scared to death. But I actually had some immediate success! It was a very smart choice. But that doesn't mean I should have stopped nurturing along the way. The thing is that I should know better than to push my stubborn soul into something for which it is not ready. But Madonna told me not to look back and I listened. So I tried really hard to keep going and not look back. But where it got me was down the UNPAVED fork OFF the main road. NOT where I wanted to be. THAT is why I had to lay low for a while. Hone my skills. Focus my vision. Train my eye. Relax. I did this for a long time. And, I waited and waited and waited for a sign to tell me which road I needed to take again. Remember how NOT psychic I am?? I waited so long that I began to question myself and wonder if I would ever figure it out. Would I ever feel inspired? This showed in my journal pages. This showed in the weak 'good' when I talked about my photography. This showed in my complete frustration that my husband was away and couldn't help bear some of my load. But today I realized I am ready. NOW I am ready to listen to Madonna. I will get ready to jump and never look back. And, this time I really mean it.

I have to add that I see the same trait in my son. Poor thing. At least I feel somewhat equipped to understand his thinking and I have turned it around a few times. But that was when he was three. The teenage years might be very interesting. Please send prayers and positive thoughts for me in about 10 years. And, no, he also doesn't clean his room. Our biggest knock-down drag out fights have been over his disaster pit of a room. My mom was right when she said I would get it all back! KARMA! GRRRRRR!!!!

Crushaholic Shop is OPEN!

It is official.  I am on the market.  Visit my Etsy website at
www.crushaholic.etsy.com

Introducing Crushaholic Gifts!

Art inspired by life.  I have created a line of items which I hope to begin selling soon!  Here is a sample.  If, by chance, you start crushing on them I will have them on Etsy in the near future.  ;-)

Confession#2

Confession #2: I am a crushaholic.  Ok, what, exactly, does that mean?  When I was a kid my life revolved around my crush-of-the-hour.  From the time I was 13 until the day I went to college the only way I dragged myself out of bed to get to school was with the knowledge that I might catch a smile from whatever boy it was who didn't know I existed yet swirled in my head all my waking hours.  If the crush faded I had to scramble to find a new one.  I was out of control.  All my motivation was based on that crush.  What would I wear that would surely make ____ notice me?  Every night at 11:11pm I made a wish for an encounter the next day.  If I went to the library, mall, Taco Bell, etc. I scanned every head to see if my crush may possibly be on the same wavelength.  As if some higher power might bring us together - like fate - to the same spot at the same time.  Um, it never, ever happened.  I haven't got a psychic bone in my body.  And, I never, ever dated any of the people who lived in my head.  I think back on this now and I am horrified that I was so emotionally starved that I put my entire psyche in the hands of people who, thank you very much, don't deserve that much attention.  I mean, good God was I that pathetic?  And, as much as I want to think, WHEW, was I crazy back then!  I would never be like that NOW!!  I must admit I still have an obsessive quality.  Sure, I may not pine after boys anymore seeing as I am happily married.  Imagine if I wasn't???  But that doesn't mean I can't crush on things I can't have.  I crushed on the Nikon D2X.  Now I have it.  I crushed on the G5 dual core.  Merry Christmas!  I crushed on the 30 inch display.  Happy Mother's Day!  I crushed on the Lensbaby.  I am on my second.  I crushed on a fancy coffee maker.  Her name is Miss Anni'Birth'entine (three gifts in one).  I crushed on warm cozy boots for winter.  I am wearing them as I type this.  I am sure I will crush on the D3 as the idea of it grows in my head.  I need to make some money before I can have that.  But the full-frame sensor keeps distracting me from what I am doing.....  In the end, is it much different - crushing on stuff versus people?  I always want something I can't have.  That is me.  A crushaholic.  'Never enough' as someone I adore (sneer) once said.  My goal is to find that inner peace to be happy with what I have today and not wish for something else.  For now I will attempt to forget about full-frame vignetting and try to fake it in photoshop.

Confession #1

Alright.  If I am going to do this, I am going to do this.  I can't very well call it 'Confessions' and then confess nothing except that I have a freakin' cold.  Who wants to read that???  Boring!  

Confession #1:

This summer I went thru a very long period of artistic angst.  Let's be serious here.  It lasted for basically all of 2007.  Now,  I hate to call it a depression.  In today's age of Prozac the word 'depression' just doesn't mean the same thing anymore.  Today if you say you are depressed people (Yes, Mom, you) want to shove a pill in your face and tell you to paste on a smile.  Let's face it.  It is NOT socially acceptable to be depressed!  If you are depressed then you should be able to fix it, right??  The answer is just not that simple.  Who decided that depression is an AILMENT?  I mean, sure, there is that chemical imbalance thing.  But when did all depression get lumped into one big ILLNESS conglomerate.  There are many perfectly healthy reasons to be unhappy.  Saying that depression is an illness totally overlooks all the environmental factors that may LEAD to a depression.  If I can pinpoint the source of my depression am I not better off if I fix the problem versus numbing the pain but not taking a deeper look into my life?  If we don't listen to the little voices in our heart telling us to make a change, how will we grow to be fulfilled?  But what if the solution is not fixable?  What if it is not in my control?  Since much of my depression was stemmed in the fact that my husband was on his second deployment in two years and I just felt I lacked strength to run a household, raise a kid,  AND repair a bruised ego, grow a business, etc. all on my own. I found myself floundering.  I totally buckled under the pressure.  I felt like a failure and I felt alone without my best friend to help me thru my funk.  It is so very frustrating when the thing you love doesn't flow for a spell.  I found myself diving into art projects and reading craft books and avoiding my camera all together.  I dreaded when people asked me how the photography was going. I didn't want to say IT SUCKS but I didn't want to lie, either.  I am the worst liar on the planet and I knew my fakey answer was ridiculous when I whispered a weak, 'Good'.  I stopped marketing myself and shied away from photo opportunities.  It felt forced and contrived for a while there.  I learned a lot from my angst and depression. I strengthened my artistic skills.  I learned a LOT about myself and what I like.  Ode to a complex personality. I learned that an artist cannot schedule work.  I can't say, OK, I have THREE HOURS today to work on projects and then I must do laundry.  If the work doesn't flow it just doesn't flow.  I can't FORCE myself to be inspired.  And, if it IS flowing why do I want to do LAUNDRY and interrupt that precious and elusive flow?????  Above all, I learned that only I can make myself happy.  Isn't it such a pain?

Now that our family is back together I am quickly bouncing back.  Ian's presence and help give me the strength to tackle some of the things I have put on my emotional shelf.  Gradually I am getting the guts to dip my toes back in the water I had so foolishly jumped into before I was ready in 2005.  I have begun to build my photography again and that makes me feel very fulfilled.  As I fill the empty hole I can finally relax - and guess what?  The ideas begin to flow again!  The excitement is coming back.  The wonderful thing is that I have new ideas about how to integrate my newly discovered art into my photos.  That is the best thing I could ask for.  I needed the angst - as hard as it was - to get where I am.  I cross my fingers that it will take me somewhere really great in 2008.  That rhymed.  Unintentionally........  Whatever.  You get the point.  :-D

2008!  New Years Resolution:  Create a more detailed blog.  Ok, I am even late on my brand-new 2008 post.  Whatever.  I haven't even sent my xmas cards yet.  I am starting now and that is what matters!

So here we go.

Let me introduce myself.  My name is Paula.  I am a wife, mother, photographer, mixed-media artist, apple-loving MINI driver.  I enjoy writing here and there (nothing major - just blips) and so I think this will be a fun outlet for me to share photos, anecdotes, ideas, etc.  

New Years Resolution #1.  Check!

New Years Resolution #2.  Hm.  Not there yet.  I resolve to read more books this year.  I will have to work on that one.