Confession #1

Alright.  If I am going to do this, I am going to do this.  I can't very well call it 'Confessions' and then confess nothing except that I have a freakin' cold.  Who wants to read that???  Boring!  

Confession #1:

This summer I went thru a very long period of artistic angst.  Let's be serious here.  It lasted for basically all of 2007.  Now,  I hate to call it a depression.  In today's age of Prozac the word 'depression' just doesn't mean the same thing anymore.  Today if you say you are depressed people (Yes, Mom, you) want to shove a pill in your face and tell you to paste on a smile.  Let's face it.  It is NOT socially acceptable to be depressed!  If you are depressed then you should be able to fix it, right??  The answer is just not that simple.  Who decided that depression is an AILMENT?  I mean, sure, there is that chemical imbalance thing.  But when did all depression get lumped into one big ILLNESS conglomerate.  There are many perfectly healthy reasons to be unhappy.  Saying that depression is an illness totally overlooks all the environmental factors that may LEAD to a depression.  If I can pinpoint the source of my depression am I not better off if I fix the problem versus numbing the pain but not taking a deeper look into my life?  If we don't listen to the little voices in our heart telling us to make a change, how will we grow to be fulfilled?  But what if the solution is not fixable?  What if it is not in my control?  Since much of my depression was stemmed in the fact that my husband was on his second deployment in two years and I just felt I lacked strength to run a household, raise a kid,  AND repair a bruised ego, grow a business, etc. all on my own. I found myself floundering.  I totally buckled under the pressure.  I felt like a failure and I felt alone without my best friend to help me thru my funk.  It is so very frustrating when the thing you love doesn't flow for a spell.  I found myself diving into art projects and reading craft books and avoiding my camera all together.  I dreaded when people asked me how the photography was going. I didn't want to say IT SUCKS but I didn't want to lie, either.  I am the worst liar on the planet and I knew my fakey answer was ridiculous when I whispered a weak, 'Good'.  I stopped marketing myself and shied away from photo opportunities.  It felt forced and contrived for a while there.  I learned a lot from my angst and depression. I strengthened my artistic skills.  I learned a LOT about myself and what I like.  Ode to a complex personality. I learned that an artist cannot schedule work.  I can't say, OK, I have THREE HOURS today to work on projects and then I must do laundry.  If the work doesn't flow it just doesn't flow.  I can't FORCE myself to be inspired.  And, if it IS flowing why do I want to do LAUNDRY and interrupt that precious and elusive flow?????  Above all, I learned that only I can make myself happy.  Isn't it such a pain?

Now that our family is back together I am quickly bouncing back.  Ian's presence and help give me the strength to tackle some of the things I have put on my emotional shelf.  Gradually I am getting the guts to dip my toes back in the water I had so foolishly jumped into before I was ready in 2005.  I have begun to build my photography again and that makes me feel very fulfilled.  As I fill the empty hole I can finally relax - and guess what?  The ideas begin to flow again!  The excitement is coming back.  The wonderful thing is that I have new ideas about how to integrate my newly discovered art into my photos.  That is the best thing I could ask for.  I needed the angst - as hard as it was - to get where I am.  I cross my fingers that it will take me somewhere really great in 2008.  That rhymed.  Unintentionally........  Whatever.  You get the point.  :-D