Confession #3

I am incredibly stubborn. Strong Willed. Hard Headed. Down to my last thread. Right. This is some sort of revelation. Those who have known me more than 5 minutes are rolling their eyes. THANKS Captain Obvious! Now tell us a CONFESSION, PAULA. The first time it was clear that I was stubborn in my recollection was when I was barely older than a toddler and I had a totally irrational and gripping fear of running water. I went into full hysterics if my mom left the room while the bath was running. Prone to exaggeration for drama - yes, but I am really not kidding as I explain this. I can actually remember the day I came to terms with my fear and turned on the FAUCET all by myself for the first time. I am not kidding. I was in kindergarten. Bizarre. It changed as I got a little older. I wouldn't clean my room. And, I would NOT hang my clothes. Despite being in the Sesame Street phase I strongly recall the path I would tiptoe thru because the floor was covered in toys despite my mom's strong urging to clean as I go. In 4th grade I hurled my duck shoe thru the French pane window because I was so ANGRY that my mom forced me up right after school to clean. I spent many a Thursday afternoon vacuuming my own room because I REFUSED to clean it BEFORE my mom's ritual Thursday cleaning. In 5th grade I had to wear ugly red hand-me-down pants to school for TWO WEEKS STRAIGHT (the horror and embarrassment) because I refused to hang up my pile of brand new Christmas clothes and instead shoved them under my bed so my mom took all of them away. She only warned me about twenty times. It wasn't blatantly obvious to me yet that I was stubborn back in 1991 when I refused to play a card game no matter how much I was coerced and I was called nasty words for it? It wasn't obvious to me that I was stubborn that same year when I had to not like the music played by my then-boyfriend, Ian, JUST BECAUSE. It has to be on my terms and I have to ease into things if I am uncomfortable. I can make life-changing decisions on a whim as long as it is ON MY TERMS. But when my head says no, it says NO. DARNIT. I know this about myself. I have known it for a very long time. I work every day to expand my comfort level and I am far better then I was back in 1991. But the terrible trait still exists. What I just realized TODAY is that I can't trick my stubborn brain into doing something before I am ready. It just doesn't work. I have been forcing myself to do something I just was NOT ready to do for two and a half years! How can it flow if it is a battle against my own will the entire time? But I decided when I invested in the VERY expensive D2X that I HAD to be in business to justify such a pricey camera. I had some talent, a little skill, and a touch of confidence and a little bit of faith and I jumped in with both feet and didn't look back just like the Madonna song told me to do. And, WOW, it worked! I was scared to death. But I actually had some immediate success! It was a very smart choice. But that doesn't mean I should have stopped nurturing along the way. The thing is that I should know better than to push my stubborn soul into something for which it is not ready. But Madonna told me not to look back and I listened. So I tried really hard to keep going and not look back. But where it got me was down the UNPAVED fork OFF the main road. NOT where I wanted to be. THAT is why I had to lay low for a while. Hone my skills. Focus my vision. Train my eye. Relax. I did this for a long time. And, I waited and waited and waited for a sign to tell me which road I needed to take again. Remember how NOT psychic I am?? I waited so long that I began to question myself and wonder if I would ever figure it out. Would I ever feel inspired? This showed in my journal pages. This showed in the weak 'good' when I talked about my photography. This showed in my complete frustration that my husband was away and couldn't help bear some of my load. But today I realized I am ready. NOW I am ready to listen to Madonna. I will get ready to jump and never look back. And, this time I really mean it.

I have to add that I see the same trait in my son. Poor thing. At least I feel somewhat equipped to understand his thinking and I have turned it around a few times. But that was when he was three. The teenage years might be very interesting. Please send prayers and positive thoughts for me in about 10 years. And, no, he also doesn't clean his room. Our biggest knock-down drag out fights have been over his disaster pit of a room. My mom was right when she said I would get it all back! KARMA! GRRRRRR!!!!