if a tree falls in the woods
and no one is there to hear it?
did it actually fall?
this goofy cliche has been in my head
it came up as a joke
but the truth is
someone is ALWAYS there to observe
i can only imagine this phrase was created to serve the needs
of a sociopathic narcissist
because isn’t it obvious that
the sky bears witness
the insects bear witness
the birds bear witness
how convenient to think another being doesn’t lurk in the shadows
and that any crime can go undetected?
oftentimes people think they get away with their actions
they claim ignorance
say you are too sensitive
shift the blame
and manipulate the naivety of another.
when a gesture was omitted. out of spite
i saw the spite.
I might not have recognized it until later.
but I never forgot.
I saw the intent.
when a hardship was put upon another. out of spite.
i saw the spite.
and so there is always someone to bear witness
to the jealousy. to the spite.
under the cover of dark
using my infrared camera
and my infrared flash
i blended with the landscape
but i came and went nearly undetected
i have the proof
of the things that seemed hidden
in 0’s and 1’s
in a language that is irrefutable.
moves are always a sizable interruption
and as a moody artist
i am particularly prone to distraction
so i am happy to say that i have moved
to my forever home.
i have my own studio
i call it, appropriately, PRBarn
and after the gap of decorating and organizing
is giving away to project time
i am happy that i am working in several aspects of my ADHD art world
and so i will share a photo of my new life
a quick trip to Costa Rica
a simple graphic image
to get my online presence going again
as if emerging
from a windowless tunnel
i am about to end up in a place
for which i haven’t been prepared
i can’t see
what is about to come
my dilated pupils
shocked by the light
and i will be spit out
leaping from 28 to 42
don’t know what i don’t know
until i have to respond to it
i have had an irrational fear of water
since I was a tiny girl.
My fear of water lasts longer than my memory
with fuzzy bits of a flash
to remind me of my paralyzing panic.
I would become hysterical if my mother ran the bath
and left the room
certain that the tub would overfill and flood the house.
screams for help
she told me i was silly
and went to do the dishes.
I experienced my most memorable nightmare
when I was five.
In the dream,
our two story house flooded with water.
But my fear extended to any source of running water.
I was in first grade
before I was willing to turn on the faucet by myself.
When I was 7, I still refused to take a shower alone.
One time I turned the faucet the wrong direction and the water did not turn off.
My irrational outburst was from utter terror.
As I got older
I had no interest in swim lessons.
When I was in fifth grade I had to attend emergency lessons
because I could not swim.
It was literally called
and mandated by our public school district.
And, in junior high I was the last person to finish the required 200 meter swim.
I would move my arms
and kick my legs
yet somehow remain stationary.
If i can’t touch the bottom,
I don’t go in.
I don’t do cruises.
And, I kindly ask that flight attendants
give me a xanax
before possible preparation for a ‘waterborne landing’
of impending failure
being washed out to sea
A treacherous notion
nothing to grasp
to save me from drowning
and the fear
that I will never again be able to touch
what if I have taken my last step?
but failure is not a bathroom sink
for which the tap can be turned off
to insulate me from the unknown
and the wonderful irony of the situation
is that the only way to experience the exhilaration of success
is to bob along in that blue water
for the ocean is the place of calm beauty
that somehow powers my creativity.
All I can do
and have the will
to challenge the rip current
longer than it
9 times in 19 years
so many moves
so many transitions
i have no roots
i don’t know anyone
i lack connections
my reputation from so much hard work
wading out alone
my endurance is flat
my spirit is low
hope used to guide me
i fear to actually admit
it seems to be gone
to start over
i am not sure i have the strength
California has been in drought conditions
since I moved here
it must be something in the air
i have been forcing my own creativity
all this time, also.
living in Europe was easy
my vision was fulfilled
every time i left the house.
But the struggle I have felt
finding a new vision
has strengthened me as an artist
or so it may be said.
but intentionally emptying the fountain
may be a drastic measure
to solving the drought.
perhaps a change in direction
a new innovation
might be more effective.
going dormant merely solves
i don’t know what to do.. so i will do nothing…
no no no.
i don’t know what to do… so i will transform my resources and make a change
yes yes yes.
who am i
what am i doing?
why am i doing it.
i don’t want to be seen doing it.
for that split second when I frame up, aim, and shoot
i am the most self conscious person
ever in existence
if anyone is watching me.
it stops me from taking any photos at all.
i like to leave my camera at home.
i let no one down
with my lack of talent
if the camera is collecting dust.
if no one sees me?
i am the most confident creature on the planet.
if i am framing up and no one is watching i am confident
if I am taking a decent picture.
if I KNOW… this one will be special.
but if I am seen taking that perfect picture
i hate to look like a fauxtog
or photography student
I am guilty of it.
maybe that is why I know the paranoia.
I size up everyone’s camera
that i pass
I laugh at their angles.
oh i bet THAT is going to be a good one….
yes, your little flash is going to light up the entire Parisian skyline
i know what I am doing
maybe someday I will convince you.
maybe someday i will convince me.
please don’t watch me when i am working.