Category Archives: midlife crisis

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***midlife crisis: don’t know what i don’t know***

as if emerging

from a windowless tunnel

i am about to end up in a place

for which i haven’t been prepared

i can’t see

what is about to come

my dilated pupils

shocked by the light

and i will be spit out

leaping from 28 to 42

in seconds


don’t know what i don’t know

until i have to respond to it

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***midlife crisis: what if?***

I started to ask

What if?

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***midlife crisis: washing out to sea***


i have had an irrational fear of water

since I was a tiny girl.

My fear of water lasts longer than my memory

with fuzzy bits of a flash

popping up

to remind me of my paralyzing panic.

I would become hysterical if my mother ran the bath

and left the room

certain that the tub would overfill and flood the house.

screams for help

she told me i was silly

and went to do the dishes.

I experienced my most memorable nightmare

when I was five.

In the dream,

our two story house flooded with water.

But my fear extended to any source of running water.

I was in first grade

before I was willing to turn on the faucet by myself.

When I was 7, I still refused to take a shower alone.

One time I turned the faucet the wrong direction and the water did not turn off.

My irrational outburst was from utter terror.

As I got older

I had no interest in swim lessons.

When I was in fifth grade I had to attend emergency lessons

because I could not swim.

It was literally called

‘drown proofing’

and mandated by our public school district.

And, in junior high I was the last person to finish the required 200 meter swim.

I would move my arms

and kick my legs

yet somehow remain stationary.

If i can’t touch the bottom,

I don’t go in.

I don’t do cruises.

And, I kindly ask that flight attendants

give me a xanax

before possible preparation for a ‘waterborne landing’


the thought

of impending failure


being washed out to sea

A treacherous notion


nothing to grasp

to save me from drowning

my panic

taking hold

and the fear

that I will never again be able to touch

what if I have taken my last step?

but failure is not a bathroom sink

for which the tap can be turned off

to insulate me from the unknown

and the wonderful irony of the situation

is that the only way to experience the exhilaration of success

is to bob along in that blue water

for the ocean is the place of calm beauty

that somehow powers my creativity.

All I can do

is balance

and have the will

to challenge the rip current

longer than it

challenges me.

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***midlife crisis: woman versus herself***

the conflict

of this story

exists only in my head.

i put my feet up

and lock on the brakes.

go join them.

find the others like you.

i can’t.

they aren’t.

i don’t know how.

where are they?

the right ones?

who will like my thoughts



I put on the brakes

and hid in the distance.

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***midlife crisis: here we are, again***

9 times in 19 years

so many moves

so many transitions

starting over


and again

i have no roots

i don’t know anyone

i lack connections

my reputation from so much hard work

is empty

wading out alone

this time

my endurance is flat

my spirit is low

hope used to guide me


i fear to actually admit

it seems to be gone

to start over


i am not sure i have the strength

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***midlife crisis: barriers***

peering up

finding a way

to spot a barrier

so I may stay where it is safe

I can find a barrier

for almost anything

I can think about that


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***midlife crisis: alone on the beach***

alone on the beach


it is just a day

not vacation

merely tuesday

merely sand

merely water

it is always strange

when what was so sought after

becomes every day

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***midlife crisis: California Drought***

California has been in drought conditions

since I moved here

it must be something in the air

i have been forcing my own creativity

all this time, also.

living in Europe was easy

my vision was fulfilled

every time i left the house.

But the struggle I have felt

finding a new vision

has strengthened me as an artist

or so it may be said.

but intentionally emptying the fountain

may be a drastic measure

to solving the drought.

perhaps a change in direction

a new innovation

might be more effective.

going dormant merely solves

from scarcity.

i don’t know what to do.. so i will do nothing…

no no no.

i don’t know what to do… so i will transform my resources and make a change

yes yes yes.

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***midlife crisis: crippling self-doubt***

who am i

what am i doing?

why am i doing it.


i don’t want to be seen doing it.

for that split second when I frame up, aim, and shoot

i am the most self conscious person

ever in existence

if anyone is watching me.


it stops me from taking any photos at all.

i like to leave my camera at home.

i let no one down

with my lack of talent

 if the camera is collecting dust.


if no one sees me?

i am the most confident creature on the planet.

if i am framing up and no one is watching i am confident

if I am taking a decent picture.

if I KNOW… this one will be special.

but if I am seen taking that perfect picture



i hate to look like a fauxtog





or photography student


I am guilty of it.

maybe that is why I know the paranoia.

I size up everyone’s camera

that i pass

I laugh at their angles.


oh i bet THAT is going to be a good one….

yes, your little flash is going to light up the entire Parisian skyline


i know what I am doing

maybe someday I will convince you.

maybe someday i will convince me.


please don’t watch me when i am working.

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***midlife crisis: overwhelming barriers***

Midlife Crisis: Overwhelming Barriers

i’m here

i am ready to go

but this overwhelming barrier

stands between me and where i want to be

i don’t have the tools in my bag

didn’t realize all i was missing

during these 20 years

and suddenly i stand


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***series: midlife crisis***

I started a new series of images

focusing on my struggle

“midlife crisis”

for 19 years i have given my life over

to follow and support

my path deeply changed

as a result


with handcuffs on my opportunities

I managed to find my happiness

in fits and starts


there is an aspect to being in the shadows

that becomes rather


but when the shroud is removed

the shackles unlocked

it can be rather overwhelming

as walking into bright snow-covered daylight

is blinding

when emerging from cabin fever


the excuses are gone

the rolodex is permanently reshuffled

but all the cards are blank

 i no longer know where

to place

my thoughts


who am i?

what do i do?

I am new in the area

have no connection or leads

i don’t know how to create

a resume that could possibly detail my potential


what is my potential?


i might suggest

that i have a greater understanding

of the term

mid-life crisis

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