Monthly Archives: June 2015

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***midlife crisis: don’t know what i don’t know***

as if emerging

from a windowless tunnel

i am about to end up in a place

for which i haven’t been prepared

i can’t see

what is about to come

my dilated pupils

shocked by the light

and i will be spit out

leaping from 28 to 42

in seconds

untrained

don’t know what i don’t know

until i have to respond to it

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***flying around the world***

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***midlife crisis: what if?***

I started to ask

What if?

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***midlife crisis: washing out to sea***

Preface:

i have had an irrational fear of water

since I was a tiny girl.

My fear of water lasts longer than my memory

with fuzzy bits of a flash

popping up

to remind me of my paralyzing panic.

I would become hysterical if my mother ran the bath

and left the room

certain that the tub would overfill and flood the house.

screams for help

she told me i was silly

and went to do the dishes.

I experienced my most memorable nightmare

when I was five.

In the dream,

our two story house flooded with water.

But my fear extended to any source of running water.

I was in first grade

before I was willing to turn on the faucet by myself.

When I was 7, I still refused to take a shower alone.

One time I turned the faucet the wrong direction and the water did not turn off.

My irrational outburst was from utter terror.

As I got older

I had no interest in swim lessons.

When I was in fifth grade I had to attend emergency lessons

because I could not swim.

It was literally called

‘drown proofing’

and mandated by our public school district.

And, in junior high I was the last person to finish the required 200 meter swim.

I would move my arms

and kick my legs

yet somehow remain stationary.

If i can’t touch the bottom,

I don’t go in.

I don’t do cruises.

And, I kindly ask that flight attendants

give me a xanax

before possible preparation for a ‘waterborne landing’

***

the thought

of impending failure

is

being washed out to sea

A treacherous notion

of

nothing to grasp

to save me from drowning

my panic

taking hold

and the fear

that I will never again be able to touch

what if I have taken my last step?

but failure is not a bathroom sink

for which the tap can be turned off

to insulate me from the unknown

and the wonderful irony of the situation

is that the only way to experience the exhilaration of success

is to bob along in that blue water

for the ocean is the place of calm beauty

that somehow powers my creativity.

All I can do

is balance

and have the will

to challenge the rip current

longer than it

challenges me.

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***midlife crisis: woman versus herself***

the conflict

of this story

exists only in my head.

i put my feet up

and lock on the brakes.

go join them.

find the others like you.

i can’t.

they aren’t.

i don’t know how.

where are they?

the right ones?

who will like my thoughts

pictures

talent?

I put on the brakes

and hid in the distance.

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***midlife crisis: here we are, again***

9 times in 19 years

so many moves

so many transitions

starting over

again

and again

i have no roots

i don’t know anyone

i lack connections

my reputation from so much hard work

is empty

wading out alone

this time

my endurance is flat

my spirit is low

hope used to guide me

but

i fear to actually admit

it seems to be gone

to start over

again

i am not sure i have the strength

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***2 years a hag***

This is a recreation of a self-portrait I created 7 years ago….

it is called

2 years a hag

***

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 here is the image from my pre-hag days

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***midlife crisis: barriers***

peering up

finding a way

to spot a barrier

so I may stay where it is safe

I can find a barrier

for almost anything

I can think about that

tomorrow

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***midlife crisis: alone on the beach***

alone on the beach

today

it is just a day

not vacation

merely tuesday

merely sand

merely water

it is always strange

when what was so sought after

becomes every day

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