Monthly Archives: July 2013

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***oh thank you synthroid***

my simple thoughts

oh thank you, synthroid

the strangest thing

about going thru a long period of time

not functioning

is when you actually

START

to function again

and you realize what a night and day difference

a little pill can make.

i have been diagnosed

for two years

but more and more

i have been doing worse and worse

and it has taken months for me to get any sort of relief.

i don’t understand why the doctor isn’t as bothered by this as i am.

how could i go from 25 mcg

to 100 mcg

in one year without some sort of raising of the eye brow?

and we only HOPE this new level works??

how do we just accept this?

the research exists

but he hasn’t read it

and so i went with my googled diagnosis

informed through reading

and schooled him

about the difference between T3 and Armour.

two totally different things, doc.

and yet he threw science back at me.

ha!

why does going to the doctor

have to be an act of exertion?

a fight for my own health?

why do i have to be the one to do the leg work?

and maybe i know more than i ‘should’

to be a compliant patient

trying to be my own advocate

all i got in return was a little nudge.

well

the past year

on this calm lake to nowhere

i have been rowing

and rowing

and rowing

barely getting anywhere

one row forward

two back.

wanting so badly to feel like me

but not being able to get there

months of absolute anguish

but hiding behind my smiling face

when the doors are open

***

and so yet another pull of the oars

and i have yet another increase of dosage

following the conventional criteria for treatment

two days

and i actually feel like me.

the fog is gone.

i actually feel productive.

i actually feel relief.

***

i wish i thought it would last.

for now, i merely say

THANK YOU

and cross my fingers

for a few good weeks

and i will keep my head down

until the next battle.

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***fresh eyes***

i haven’t changed my focus

to fighter jets…..

but this is cool

and it needed to be shared with the world

***

this is why i never delete

it is always fantastic to look through images

some time after capture

and review with fresh eyes.

i always find perfection

hiding around corners

i had previously

breezed past.

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***the tide of success***

my simple thoughts

the tide

of success

can be measured in hours

and plotted throughout a lifetime

one step forward

one step back

millimeter changes

bobbing along

slowly throughout the day

the soothing rise and fall

a lull of zen

never worried

about lack of progress

as progress is slow and continuous

an evolution of the sea and air

‘the best ocean

is the one with the highest tide

the best ocean

is the one which rises the fastest

the best ocean

is the one with the most power

the best ocean

has the most water’

that would be absurd

to think.

a tsunami of chaos

does not create a nice home.

borders would shrink

people would drown

houses would tumble

boats would capsize.

nobody enjoys the intensity of a hurricane.

so why is our cultural definition of success

more like a storm

and less like a calming escape?

i have a lot to learn

from the tide

Pismo

***the introverted voice***

my simple thoughts

an utter failure

blurry

sloping down the hill

unbalanced

backwards

under a brown sky

grain from an astronomically high ISO

everything is wrong

or at least it should be

chalk it up to error

delete it from the batch

hide it from view

that is what should be done

for those that do not fit

the ideals that have been prescribed

as per the advice of ‘them’

they yell

so that we stay within the guidelines

and we assume they are right

***

i think i like it

it makes ‘them’

uncomfortable.

there is power

in the silent

strong

introverted voice.

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just a picture

just a picture

today

i took this last week

while shooting a change of command ceremony

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***underwhelmed by your popularity***

  • american beauty:
  • 01:34:02 Yeah, well, at least I’m not ugly.
  • 01:34:08 Yes, you are.
  • 01:34:10 And you’re boring, and you’re totally ordinary,
  • 01:34:13 and you know it.

 

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***pressure made it go pop***

my simple thoughts of the day

pressure made it go pop

we expected

our needs to be fed

it stayed closed

we clarified our desire

it closed tighter

our smiles began to fade

we bore down on it

it was unbearably resistant

what purpose does it serve

if it doesn’t serve our purpose?

we asked ourselves

and still it wasn’t open

we shook it

with ugly glances

and acted a role

of disconnect

hiding our manipulation

behind tight smiles

and wrinkled brows

we concocted a final warning

for it to prove its loyalty

our disapproval a grim threat

but it wasn’t open

our patience ended

we demanded it open

agitated

with great tension

and finally it popped

its content spilled

for all to see

and none to enjoy

and then we wondered why there was a mess

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***the dreaded 50 split***

my simple thoughts for the day

the 50 split

it is just bad juju

to not follow the rule of thirds

you cannot split the horizon in half

and you cannot cut the vertical in half

bad bad bad

but what do you do when you can’t help but stare at a 50 split?

and it is not even SYMMETRICAL?

two halves to one picture

the famous building

the overlooked building

with a billboard right down the middle?

it feels like a profound statement, almost

that juxtaposition

of these three things

famous.  overlooked.  and selling something in the middle.

who bought into it?

who faced the other way and just didn’t really care?

popularity is overrated

it is lonely to be that famous building standing there and waiting for people to ogle

expecting the others to stay out of your frame

what if it is a cloudy day??

and the sun didn’t shine on your facets?

in fact, i think this overlooked building didn’t care

it was supposed to keep clear of the cliche building

that represents the city

but it just shoved its way in

and created that 50 split

for no good reason

other than the fact that it was different

i think it said

i’d rather hang with the normal people

who merely like me for who i am

and not the game i play

because i am way more interesting

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***f-stop philosophy***

my simple thoughts today

mirrors are too close

they are sort of like viewing the world at 85mm.

and when we don’t like who reflects back at us

we zoom in further

to scrutinize ourselves with 120mm at macro distances

f/1.4

other people have the benefit of seeing the big picture

of who we are

because they are

*further away*

10mm is merely a scan

of the great round world

and they hang around f/2.8

their lenses include details of many facets

but the edges are a little fuzzy

blurred, dark, and distorted

they don’t need to think to find focus

in the center

and so it is

a great disconnect

between the voice that keeps us company

or perhaps holds us hostage

and the perception on a lenient curve.

it is really easy

to get swept into minutia

miss the value of the overall situation

and pick apart the goofy stuff

when we view ourselves at 120mm.

but is it accurate?  the wide version?

it is almost 3D

one square mile per inch

yet does not go beneath the surface

isn’t interested in wondering, why?

truths are relative to location

edges are cropped

peripherals vignetted

is there fact?  in this vision?

of who one is

is the point of view of the lens short?  long?  normal?

50mm does not look normal on *MY* FX sensor, fyi

and the depth of field.  shallow?  deep?

aspect ratio?  1:1, 2:3, 4:5?

too simplistic to see the details?

***

with all of that in mind

i can see i have been thinking

very deeply

inside my camera today

***

aside:

poor ian

he has to put up with my philosophical camera chat

regularly

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***simple thoughts***

my simple thoughts of the day.

how does one get the nickname ‘cookie’ or ‘sunshine’?

i am wondering what my nickname would be

no one would ever name me ‘sugar’

my first thought is ‘stormy’

but i really don’t think that is the persona i give off in public

and it really is not how i am

it is merely an emotion i embrace

when i ask the question, why?

and i am certainly more than just ‘bitter’

i just like to be contrary

things that are predictable bore me

but surprises overwhelm me

i think my husband might start calling me ‘complicated’

but i reminded him …

…. that is why you find me interesting…..

and so i will share

my view of the city

it is gritty and noisy and looming and complicated

the buildings surround me

with windows everywhere

but they are not the boundaries of a fishbowl

instead they reflect

bouncing light around like a ping pong ball

full of opportunity and inspiration and fascinating people

i can watch them

and they can watch me

for a split second we share our space

a mutual respect

of our differing experiences in life so far

and then we move on

and it is exactly where i belong

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***keep it simple, stupid***

i have to admit

that i have been doing

precisely

what i said i would not do

by posting only on social media

and not building my own blog and website

not sharing my simple daily thoughts

shame on me

and then it grows.

i put it off

and i just don’t get to it

and it is easier to just keep posting on the page

of simpleton communication

to experience immediate gratification

here today

and gone tomorrow

with that place

the love is not long term

***

and so i am finally here

at my “own” space again

wondering where to start

***

i think i will keep it simple (stupid)

***

here are my simple thoughts of the day

i miss wandering the city

with sights

and old brick

and graffiti

and characters

and light

that fascinate me with every step

so much so

it makes me excited to own a camera

every day

 a different point of view

i crave change

not that i want to move all the time

but i need things to be different

every day

in some way

to keep me visually interested

thank you

San Francisco

for giving me a wisp of relief

***

ok whew.  i did it.

*kiss*

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