Monthly Archives: April 2013

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***sacrifice***

sacrifice

i feel so privileged

to have been there

when a man came home

from serving his country

overseas

to meet his baby boy

for the first time

six months of babyhood cannot be replayed

they were in a crowd of joyous families

but for a moment it was just the three of them

***

thank you A, B, and D

for letting me share your emotion

it was incredible to witness

as a military family

we all face sacrifice

but one can barely compare

the depth

of missing the birth of a first

and entering into the realm of parenthood

apart

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***leaving lemoore***

one can dream

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***beauty***

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***todays that i forgot***

todays that i forgot

today

i am thinking about days

other days that just … disappeared

invisible

as my life continues

wrapped in plastic

the little crumbs slip away

through the corners

unsecured edges

leak with the beauty i missed

 i can barely remember past last week

or was that two weeks ago?

how do i keep what matters

alive and breathing in my brain

as it deserves

i can’t remember

my world has shrunken

into a petty microcosm

barely bigger than the tip of an eraser

sucked me into the vortex

how did i let that happen.

wait.

that is me blaming myself again.

and so

i must shake my head

wake up:

remember who you are

where you have been

what you have done

and

how far you have traveled

experience

makes you bigger

than the little voice

allows you to feel

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i took this picture about three years ago

at the park out my front door

that was my normal

i beg to be a part of that normal

now

even though

i was angsty and frustrated

as much then as i am today

just, for very different reasons

i have entire photo shoots

that i never edited

or cared about

or revered

this day i took 257 images.

i edited about 5

i shared 2.

i don’t know what i was seeking that day

i didn’t find it

i couldn’t live in the present

and see the amazing image

of my sweet boy

i was ruled by my ego

seeking what i did not have.  forever seeking.

perhaps me saying that

publicly

means that i might start to allow more to be okay than just what i *expect* from myself today.

***beauty***

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***anywhere somewhere nowhere***

am i anywhere

somewhere

or nowhere

turmoil in my brain

stirring around

bouncing around

ping

pong

tilt

spin

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***not glamorous***

i spent my day

floating in a cloud………

of icc profiles

color space

dialog boxes

printer drivers

monitor calibration

test prints

walking outside to view in the sun

back inside to look at the monitor

back outside

back inside

and i can say definitively

after no less than 20 printed images

a whole lot of Velvet Fine Art Paper

 a lot of archival pigment ink

and one accidental ink purge due to an errant switch to photo black

color management is

NOT

the glamorous side of photography

***

in the end

 i might have actually gotten a decent print

from my Epson 3800

which i have owned far longer than i care to admit.

it still isn’t perfect.

but i am striving for the 90% rule.

o r

at least trying to lower my standards to 90%.

oh well.

thank you Gary Ballard 

for your free and generous help

nonetheless

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***on the brink of knowing***

on the brink of knowing

what is around the corner

much anticipation

i can feel it unfolding

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***empty field***

in an empty field

alone

on a bench

feeling like i am alien

in my own land

not wanting to join

but wondering what i am missing

always torn between

being the same

and being different

searching for my spot

and always seeing it

over there

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***holding on***

desperately

holding on

feeling so overlooked

in the ocean of internet

my voice obscured

by the 3 am party-goers

next door

their techno song on repeat

if i let go

i might get swept up

and blown away

where no one will find me

please slow down

the rpm’s

i need the world to slow down

how can i be me

when my speed is a pace

it nearly seems impossible

to think straight

in ten lanes of highway traffic

i am trying to be zen

but at this point

i am not sure zen exists

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***pout***

now THAT

is a pout i can appreciate

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***the flow stops***

the flow stops

and i lay

waiting.

stuck.

forgotten.

when the winter waters freeze

evaporated voices

are barely perceptible

my heart

lost.

slipping.

from inertia

to the deep end

of oblivion

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***oh, it is scary***

oh

it is scary

trying to balance

blindfolded.

my ladder is rickety

but i don’t even know what i am seeking

as i climb my ladder

to nowhere

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***my little shack***

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***diving into the river***

diving into the river

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