Monthly Archives: July 2012

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***goodbye yellow brick road***

a series of songs

goodbye yellow brick road

decoded

where? limanowa, poland.  steps away from my grandmothers childhood house – my peasant stock upbringing

when? almost exactly a year ago today

how? d3, ISO 100, 70mm, f/2.8, 1/400

you know you can’t hold me forever

i didn’t sign up with you

you can’t plant me in your penthouse

i’ve finally decided my future lies

beyond the yellow brick road

 

***somebody that i used to know***

a series of songs

somebody that i used to know

decoded

where? nancy, france

when? fall 2010

how? d3, ISO 2oo, 14mm, f/2.8, 1/500 sec

you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough

now and then i think of all the times you screwed me over

believing it was always something i’d done

i don’t want to live that way

generally

i’ll admit i was glad it was over

***infrared miss magda***

little miss magda

she doesn’t really like to have her photo taken

but if i lay down in the grass with her

when she is already lying in the sun

then i can get a shot

of the elusive wagglepus

decoded

how? fuji x pro 1 with infrared filter and 35mm lens

where? my backyard

when? last thursday afternoon

why? practicing my infrared skills and seeing what i can get

 

***disclosure: i didn’t take this photo***

it’s infrared

a spectrum of light

not seen by the naked eye

of humans

i didn’t snap the shutter

even if i bought the camera

and the lens

and the filters

and set the exposure

and knew which light to stand in

facing which direction

the time of day

the location

**

there is more behind the scenes

than sometimes is understood

so offering the addition of a prop

one idea

for instance

is wonderful

but not enough to take credit.

a little fyi

yes, i have a few things to say.

***

putting yourself out there

to be critiqued

that is ultimately the hardest part

courage

in and of itself

is part of the story

***bracing for the intensity***

so

my current

desire to learn

has fallen on interests

that i discovered years ago

but

i never got proficient

i have been learning light theory

and i have also been studying infrared

today i had the chance

to test out some theories

i am obsessed with learning

i actually can’t do much else

i am bracing for the intensity

when i have to follow thru

on other aspects of life

decoded

where? my back yard

when?  at 3pm

how? with my fuji and that lovely 35mm lens with a polarizer and an infrared filter

yes!  i can take infrared images with a reasonable shutter speed with my fuji!!!

what?  squinting in the sun

why do i love it?  infrared is fun.  and i got to kiss that miserable haircut goodbye an hour later.

***married to the military***

this is my latest self portrait

it is entitled ‘Married to the Military’

i think it is quite lovely

decoded

how? i took this brilliant image with my D3 and 24-70mm lens.  I used the light of a ringflash

where? right here!  at my desk!

when? last night.  late.

what? oh it does sum up the bitter pill that goes with sitting home alone while someone who will remain nameless parties in Key West

***look how he grows up***

look how he has grown up

this looks like an x pro 1 image

nope

d3

 

***i had a dream about you last night***

i had a dream about you last night

i don’t know why i let you invade my peace

again

after these years

can enough be enough?

why last night?

as if enough isn’t enough

already?

it wasn’t enough

***

this is not my best picture

i don’t really care that much

i am not afraid of failure

as i have seen plenty of it

i worked so long to impress you for so many years

but i never understood that it was a never-ending cycle

created to benefit your ego

but i bet it pisses you off

that i used crap

to represent what you mean

to me

for me to admit it out loud

see, for you, i was never enough

well, i was for a time

the opinion you had of me at a certain point was intimidating

but then she showed up

and suddenly

i wasn’t enough

your arrogant act must impress the upper crust

i was relieved she was there

but i didn’t know the ramifications

you had to impress her

and so suddenly the insecure bull shit

was served on your silver spooned platter

 pretend

worked for her

she merely wanted a check in the box

and she found it

***

you were enough for me

for *us*

back then.

i saw more

why did that have to change?

it was never the same

before it was a factor

and

after i no longer

represented what she wanted

and could not have

i was the space filler

i see that now.

***

potato chips are so simple.

***

but you know?

you couldn’t just let me be me.

i know you respected it.

why did you try to change it?

was it that need to impress?

i was never good enough.

my friendship was true.

i was emotionally dedicated

and i stayed as long as i could.

so i never wrote it in a thank you note.

fake lines about undying support

that lacked the experience to back the words

potato chips.

i was there.

physically there.

any time.

any place.

my heart was dedicated.

but shutting the door

to the real experience

and only allowing in the finer vintage

was the ideal that you learned to uphold.

it was all a facade

of insecurity

such a sad persona to hide behind

when the real person was so much more beautiful.

what a sad decision.

for all of us

***

i dreamed that you got divorced.

i think i am spot on

if only metaphorically.

because

a relationship is more than a check in a box.

it is hard to know

that someone you held on a pedestal

would never truly see you in their class

the mere act of friendship is amnesty.

to me, class does not exist.

there was my first misunderstanding.

most people are fooled by her.

i saw thru it.

i see the ugly side and i can’t pretend.

she scared me

to stopped admiting my honest opinion.

yes ma’am

no ma’am

it was her way.

only her way.

*only*

i don’t like her.

she is not a good heart.

she merely fills in what is expected.

i stood there and listened to your vows.

it was wrong.

every moment of it.

i don’t believe in it.

i didn’t then.

i never will.

i know more.

every moment in your presence i have lived a lie

for saying i believed in it.

block the spectrum if you will

but the colors are still brilliant.

you deserve that.

even if you won’t give it to me.

oh well.

hard and sand papery.  that is how i imagine the bark of the tree feels.

(edited to add)

this final thought

ok perhaps my last line is petty.

you hate when people don’t see you for who you are

and only see the money

i saw you for who you were

but you hid behind your elitism

and used it as weaponry

in an insulting way

to tell me that i was not good enough

you pushed as hard as you could

to be intolerable

in a passive aggressive way

until I gave up

with exasperation

so now you can point my flaws

in justification

to prove that it wasn’t you.

***

and now i am moving on

again.

***deep in study mode***

deep in study mode

it’s not that I have forgotten about blogging

it is just that i have been studying!

a lot!

and now i am starting to experiment

along with studying

a lot!

and i learned

that even with one of the two bulbs in my alien bees

burned out

and therefore, at half power

and modified

i can still produce f/22 light!

(inside)

(inside still counts)

(my speedlights and strobe can’t do that at full power)

(unless i cheat with ISO)

i learned that f/22 shows just how dirty my sensor is!!!

i learned that i can, in fact, remove food from my son’s face with photoshop.

and i realized that focusing on my own eyes is a pain in the booty

  i already knew that, actually

 

***kathy’s flowers***

kathy’s flowers