Monthly Archives: June 2012

Click on the title of the blog post to view the entire entry.


***lines of communication***

the lines of communication

there are those of us who do

and those who don’t

it is vulnerable

to put yourself out

on a platter

to be picked

sliced

severed

bet it is easy

to sit on the sidelines

and hide

i wouldn’t know.

i am dipping in my toes

and actually feeling the water.

i think i am stronger.

not sure why i do it.

wait.

***

i am trying to stop being unsure.

right.

 

***cloudy visions***

a cloudy mess

in my head

because of the drama

caustic

trying to learn

how to step further away

to not get lost in the mist

but see the picture with dispassion.

the tiptoe balance.

the depth of field

of a ledge

is a mere sliver.

i am angry.

i just found this warm spot.

and i don’t want to leave.

but i don’t think i can stay

and not sacrifice.

however

leaving is sacrifice.

***

so many expectations;

the control

to be

but i have

the need to maintain

stand strong

i am not performing a role.

your insecurities

are not my project.

i am dodging

and weaving

and annoyed that i can’t just exist

without silly maneuvers.

i see the social minefield.

so i’m putting on my armor.

i am sorry i have to

decoded

where? leiden, holland

when? last fall

how? d3, ISO 320, 14mm, f/2.8, 1/320 sec

i love the misty light of this image.  it reminds me of the cloudy mess in my head sometimes.  i don’t really like the mess in my head, but i can appreciate the aesthetic beauty of the misty light just as I can appreciate that the cloudy mess is part of life’s ups and downs.

***it’s off!***

I prepared my image

forgotten

yesterday to ship to the 2012 Michael H. Kellicutt International Photo Show

which was selected to hang in the show

it took me four tries

to achieve perfection.

i believe that i did it, however.

i am so excited

nervous

anxious

to have sent it off!

the show starts July 1

in Half Moon Bay, CA

the reception will be July 7

at the Coastal Arts League

which I plan to attend.

***

decoded

where? Ashley’s house

when?  today – just a couple of hours ago

how? fuji, ISO 400, 35mm, f/1.4, 1/125 sec

***

thank you so much for your constructive criticism, support, and fabulous decorating, Ashley!

And, thank you, once again, Mariesa for the inspiration behind my artist statement, which can be seen with my image on the show’s webpage!

***never discovered***

we might never discover

the places of intersection

unless we build a bridge

certainly there are a million places

along the way

but how would we know?

cross to my misty light

in one of my favorite european settings

and see my favorite style

the architectural ballet

is a place of beauty

they never yell

shun

or ignore

they bend to see me

like a happy bloom

that seeks companionship

but you can only see it

if you get closer

decoded

where? Leiden, Netherlands

when? on a cold misty day, as most of them are.  this one was in October

how? D3, ISO 320, 14mm, f/2.8, 1/1000 sec

this may be 14mm, but it is too far away to see the ballet of architecture.  But see how inviting the bridge is?  I do believe it is welcoming us.

sometimes you just have to try.

so go.

 

***groove of the rut***

we were innocent

we put on our capes

and we flew away

but we didn’t know

how turbulent the air would be.

here we are.

all these years later

looking back at the dark skies.

***

we spent a lot of time

trying to prove our own superpowers.

we didn’t realize

that they were the same.

i think our eyes were closed

for a very long time.

the groove of the rut

can be so deeply

enveloping.

swallowed whole

we are both intact.

decoded

where? a couple of miles from the base here in Lemoore

when?  two weeks ago today

how? D3, ISO 160, with my lensbaby edge 80, 1/1000 sec

the storm can just *be*.  it doesn’t have to drudge up hell.  i can just be a subject.

***not enough elephants***

i just can’t get enough elephants

evan wants to know all the time

what is your favorite _____?

he need not ask my favorite animal.

he knows the answer.

elephants.

they don’t forget.

they don’t deny.

they remember their comrades from decades previous.

they don’t assign them as the scapegoat

in their internal fantasy

transferring the pain from the past

to someone that shared a similar fate.

complex creatures

with sensitive souls

years can pass

as if the moments have frozen.

they know in their hearts

when they have met someone who cares

and they never turn them away.

the ice that must melt

has never frozen their hearts.

decoded

where? serengeti

when? november last year

how? d3, a selection of images but they are all ISO 160 at 340mm and f/4.8

 

 

 

***theory of mind***

spinning in circles

sinking into the abyss

happy

joy

the thrill of life

confuses me

i have worked so hard

pulled from the depths

boldly shared

my inner thoughts.

how is my triumph

inexplicably

complicated?

theory of mind.

***

you can hilite it

sing it

yell it

but

it cannot be put on the side of the box.

decoded

where? canstatter volksfest, stuttgart

when? right before i moved back to the US

how? d3, ISO 100, 85mm, f/2.8, 1/2000 sec

***cold empty lost***

cold empty lost

success led to loneliness

talent to rejection

risk to abandonment

the facade is created

to hide

jealousy and insecurity

the truth is bent

to justify an ego

spoken words to create an illusion

and the trick is passed

among others

 another box built

transfer from one to another

being kept at arm’s length

year after year

yes i know

i knew it was coming

but it doesn’t feed me

***

i wonder if it is part of the manipulation

to shut me out

perhaps it is

but it backfires

i will not feel shame in my vulnerability

accepting my weaknesses

is a strength that i have

which cannot be taken away

the more that i embrace

all of me

good and bad

the more power that i possess

so

thank you

for i am enabled once again

to grow

decoded

where? either switzerland or germany or austria

when? fall 2011

how? D3, ISO 100, 195 mm, f/2.8, 1/500 sec

***toy-sized zurich***

toy-sized zurich

decoded

where? zurich

when? oct 2011

what? toy sized

how? D3, ISO 800, 15mm, f/2.8, 1/1600 sec

and here i was disappointed that the edge 80 lensbaby didn’t come out until AFTER I lived in europe.  I can just fake it in photoshop!  Yes, there is a little sarcasm there.

***they are itty bitty***

my boys

in miniature

ok, fake tilt-shift is fun!

it really feels like cheating.

but it is fun!

decoded

where? santorini, greece

when?  spring break, 2011

how? d3, ISO 100, 29 mm, f/2.8, 1/2000 sec

continued experimentation with cs6.  tilt-shift blur.  Also effectively used the content aware patch tool to remove a pesky red annoyance before converting to black and white.

the bokeh looks a little funky on the cliff – more posterization, less bokeh.  it is accentuated by my heavy black and white conversion.  will have to work on that.

***boating to greece***

i’m boating to greece

anyone want to join me?

boat isn’t very big

so you will have to deal with me.

i promise to not analyze.  everything, at least.

sort of.

decoded

where? santorini, greece

when? spring break, 2011

how? D3, ISO 100, 60mm, f/2.8, 1/5000 sec

Just playing with the new CS6 blur gallery again.  I used the tilt-shift blur tool on this shot.  I like it….  I think my first post using the tilt-shift tool was a bit overwhelming but this works.

***adobe sucker***

call me a sucker

but i just bought cs6

the blur gallery is sooo cool!

decoded

where? from my hotel room overlooking Vaihingen Ubahn train station

when? right before we went on the safari.  OCT 2011.  really early morning.

how?  D3, ISO 2000, 15mm, f/2.8, 1/160 sec

***my energy***

shifting the balance

of energy

do you feel it?

you probably won’t even know

what is not seen

must not exist

the screen is see through

hidden pieces

enough holes

to create an illusion

you will believe

because some things never change

***

the energy i put into us

took away from what i had to give them

me

***

i offered my strength

my energy

i’d hoped you would use it

give some

return it intact

you took every thing i had to give

you sucked the air out me

and left me deflated

walked away

and only returned when you needed more

***

my energy was not free

it was a gift

i don’t believe i received a thank you, either

 

decoded

where? santorini, greece

when? spring break 2011

how? d3, ISO 160, 24mm, f/2.8, 1/8000 sec

what? looking over the caldera as we descended the steps from our rental cave dwelling

why?  well, duh!  Look how beautiful

***enough bruises***

if i get enough bruises

i might start to learn

that what i hope for

is useless

because fantasy

is not reality

and living in a fantasy

is useless

***

i have been working

very hard.

far harder than some

for many years

***

i will no longer expect it to be noticed

discussed

appreciated

validated

i will merely change my path

and put my efforts elsewhere

i am now taking care of myself

***

i know i gave it my all

and i forgive myself because the failure was not mine

my words are blocked

overlooked

ignored

disparaged

progress cannot exist

***

love is a four letter word

mine was put in a box

and set on a shelf

taped up

and forgotten

along with all the other skeletons

***

and let me learn from this

***

when someone tries very hard

she will only try for so long

before she walks away

and finds someone else who

will see her value

and forgive her weaknesses

vice versa will not do.

that is not a way to live.

***two best friends***

i took 8th grade graduation pictures

two besties

6:00 am wake up

on a Monday morning

at the beginning of summer break

and they were still sweet!

Steph and Cherese, take note.

they CAN be nice in the morning!

the fearless super girls are here to save the day!!!!