***blurry ideals***

the plight of the only child

blurry ideals

of

what makes a good mom

what makes a good kid

why is it that learning lessons in life

about how to act in a socially expected way

becomes merely a black and white

question.

spoiled?

or not spoiled.

there is no end to his want.

trust me.

same with your kids.

he has the same things your kids have, neighbors.

the same things.

except he does not have a brother or a sister

to help teach him what is ok and what is not.

his mother is not selfish that way.

not that it is your business.

but she is incapable.

that way.

the judgement adds to the pain of my loss.

thank you for asking.

understand that the blur in the street

is not that easy

to diagnose.

there is more than meets the eye.

life is not black and white.

some of us with only one

have to work much harder than it may seem.

***

decoded

where? on my street

when? last night around 9 pm

how?  fuji x pro-1, ISO 250, 18mm, f/2.0, 2 sec

what? a long exposure shot with tripod of me – still, evan – blurry, and the clear image of the neighbors in the distance

why do i love it?  i love that this image displays my confusion over motherhood.  my job is reflected in the actions of my son. he is blurry and rough around the edges.  he is who he is, and he just doesn’t want to stand still the way society expects him to.  in many ways i admire him for being able to go against the stream.  however, i cannot deny that i see the ‘ideal’ way the minivan mother raises her children off in the distance, but i don’t think that method is reflected in our shadows.  I like our reflection but it is never outside of being judged especially with the blurry behavior of an only child who has to learn life’s lessons in the public arena, unlike the ideal household with 2.5 children.  i want for him to not have to fight his battles outside our private surroundings.  however, it is just displayed in the street where all the neighbors can say what they want.  we are both judged, in that way.

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