Monthly Archives: January 2011

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***ugh. well, I WAS feeling great ***

Just when I was feeling pretty fantastic….  I got smacked down with this debilitating migraine.  The only time I feel ok is when I am asleep.  Today is day #2.  In this case, it is a step up from day #1, but that doesn’t mean very much.  I don’t feel totally nauseated like I did yesterday and the pain is a little more intermittent.  But we have appointments this afternoon and it is snowing.  Hoping that snow doesn’t accumulate because I really don’t fancy driving on icy roads with a migraine.

edited to add:  so much for the ‘no nausea’ thing.  ugh.

***control: vital for this control freak***

So, picking up from yesterday, I found myself asking, what IS feeling like ME again, anyway??  What does that even mean??

I spent some time analyzing the situation.  That happens to be one of my special topics, by the way, analyzing situations.  I spent some time analyzing and the conclusion that I have come to is that, for me, feeling like ‘me’ is feeling in control.  It is as simple as that.  I can spend an entire year trying to gain control over one particular yet allusive aspect of my life.  And, even though I did great things and went great places, I can still feel underlying misery because I just can’t get control over that one darn thing.  Without control in that one spot it is hard for me to hold it together in all the other parts.  As if on a spiral, suddenly, the peripheral things like relationships and thank you notes get put on the shelf.  I have no ability to handle these fluff things if I am not feeling in control over that ONE thing.  And, even though I can try to focus my attention other directions, I still can’t deny the fact that I am really frustrated over the lack of control in that one particular area.  Why is it so hard to find that control?

And, so I see that for me to be content I must first feel in control.  The catch is that control is not always so simple to achieve.

***I think I might be back***

Have you ever gotten the sense that you have lost yourself??  I most certainly have.  I felt like I lost myself when I got pregnant.  My identity was totally wrapped up in my appearance back then.  I literally morphed into a girl who had to fight nausea, an insatiable appetite, and the ability to gain 10 pounds in one day, literally, overnight.  I didn’t know that girl.  And, frankly, I didn’t like that girl.  It tipped my world upside down.  I can’t say that went away the day I gave birth, either.  I found myself again when my boy was at least a year old.

The same thing has happened to me again.  It seems that a woman who is in her mid  … ahem… to late… thirties should be more grounded than to be bent out of shape over silly things.  I should be zen by now!  It is all about my inner spirit and being!

(To quote my bud, Rachel)  Riiiiight.  Maybe that will happen in my 40’s.  Or 50’s.

But today I had the distinct thought…….  I am back.  And, what a relief it is.  I hope it doesn’t just pass but it is what it is.  I really hate when I am not me.

***one more check in the box***

I am skeptical about the use of camels for transportation.  It might be fine for the Egyptians, but I will stick with the car, thank you very much.  Fact is, the whole thing scared me!  If there was a harness apparatus then maybe we could talk.  Even a simple seat belt might have done the trick.  But I really am not keen on the feeling that I could just fall off of something so high up in the air!  A horse has a saddle and stir ups and you fit INTO the saddle.  But precariously holding on and hoping they installed the seat properly.  ‘Hold on!’ they say.  ‘It is safe!’ they say.  But I saw a man driving down the road with a toddler in his lap so I just don’t believe safety comes first in Egypt.  And, then Mr. Camel stands up from the sitting position and you are hanging diagonally…  And, he bobs back and forth heading down a hill…  eek.

Ok, fine, I am just a big wuss!!

Ok, Mr. Camel.  I know I was scared.  But thank you for walking nice and slow and smooth.  You were a good camel.

***the power of seeing for myself***

I would be lying if I gave any sort of suggestion that I am a history buff.  To be perfectly honest, I find reading facts and figures in a book about ancient times incredibly boring.  Watching the movie is equally as boring.  I was stunned when I learned from a college course in world history that it is fascinating to study our ancient ancestors but that is 100% due to the fact that my professor was a gifted story teller.

I realize how important it is, for me, to visit the actual places where history has occurred to have any sort of appreciation and understanding beyond my back door.  I learn from seeing with my own eyes.

Still, it is hard for me to fathom a society of people without our modern means creating such massive and intricate and symbolic statues and monuments.  Memphis, Egypt, which is located outside of Cairo, is the site of the former capital of a unified ancient Egypt and the home of the first known building.  This particular statue of Ramses II, believed by many to be the greatest king of Egypt, was originally standing at the Temple in Memphis.   It is 3200 years old and was found buried in the ruins.  3200 years ago they built this massive statue out of stone and yet I have a hard time imagining how we lived without cell phones 20 years ago.


Now that I have ‘met’ King Ramses, I admit I find it far more fascinating to learn about him.  By the way, nice tat, Ramses!

***my M.O. … another drive by shooting…. ***

Quite honestly, I think my favorite way to take photos is from a moving vehicle.  I guess you could say I love to be invisible.  So, a moving vehicle helps me in my quest to blend.

Well, this is what I saw out my window the other day.

I don’t always hide in the car, however.

***200 donkeys, zero stoplights, 1 female driver***

I just got home from a long day of traveling.  I have travel exhaustion and a bobbing head.  I am really not looking forward to my 6:30 am alarm tomorrow.  So, my first Egypt post is not deep.

But, I saw about 200 donkeys, zero stoplights on the seemingly lawless roads, and only one female driver.


***i’ve been hanging with the goat***

goats have a lot to take but not much to give.  did you ever notice that?

lately it seems like the world has become a vacuous hole of ‘take’ and not a lot of ‘give’.  it isn’t as though it is anyone’s fault.  it is just a trend in my life right now.  i think i am pretty good at spotting trends.  but the goat doesn’t care.  somehow the goat never gives me what i want.  i admit it is silly for me to expect the goat to like my keen observations.  or my cute shoes, for that matter.

enough with the goat, already

ditch the goat.  love the shoes!

***your turmoil is finally at rest***

***peace*** at last for a woman with a lot of turmoil in her head.  may you rest, finally knowing how much you were loved.

***debunking optimistic ‘sticks-and-stones’ theory***

I was told when I was little that same old cliche everyone hears:  sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.

That is total crap – not if the words come from someone you really cared about.  These bruises from summer 2009 healed long ago.  

There is absolutely no trace of these injuries on my knees any longer.  So how do I fix the words and actions in my head that won’t go away?

***getting back into sync with life***

I can’t really explain this.  I don’t know why it happened.  But, the fact is, in retrospect, I realize that I was never ‘on’ during the year of 2010.  It was the most amazing year of my life from so many different aspects.  What a dream come true to be living in Europe and traveling practically every other weekend.  It will probably go down in history as my best year with high expectations that this year will follow closely behind.  And yet I could never find my groove.

I can cite a distinct difference between the majority of last year and the itty bitty of sliver of this year and that is the fact that I have a major confusing puzzle piece of my life in place.  There are a lot of things in my past that give me quiet anguish running like a hidden program in the background and hogging my memory reserves.  No matter what I did in the past I couldn’t let it go and just go on with my life because I just want. to. know. WHY?  Mid December I got a *major* part of the puzzle and while it is true that at first it was a little distressing I realize that in the end it lets me finally put to rest some of that anguish.  Now that my mental rolodex seems to have spun through and stopped at every single page to reedit history I no longer feel the same general anxiety I did just a couple of weeks ago.

The problem with WHY is that is says as much about me as it does about the rest of my family.  And, fact is that some of my family doesn’t ask WHY like I do.  Much the opposite.  I wish that weren’t the case.  We all share this.  Why is it so bad to talk about it?  It isn’t an insult.  It merely explains WHY.  What good is denial?

A certain someone I know wants to know why we have to put a name on it.  Answering WHY allows me to ACCEPT.  That is why I needed to know why.  WHY explains everything.  WHY allows me to understand myself.  WHY allows me to help myself on my own.  WHY allows me to work with it and not against it.  WHY finally gives me a sliver of peace.  Not knowing why stops me in my tracks and paralyzes me.

And, so the irony is that I think one of the keys of being Aspie is being out of sync when things are chaotic.  I know that now.  And, already I am taking steps to get myself back on track.  Thank GOD I finally have an answer.

***challenging mental imprisonment with constructive reflection***

Today is our anniversary so I was digging into my dusty archives to look at some of my ‘old’ photos.  Maybe it was a good reminder to look back.  I found some pictures of myself from only a few years ago when I was tan, in athletic condition, and skinny as a rail.  They make me realize just how NOT tan, athletically conditioned, and skinny as a rail I am right now.  But I also scrolled through virtual piles and piles of really, really, bad photos!  Hundreds of GB worth of poorly framed, poorly exposed, generally just boring and not creative photos.  Wow, I hadn’t found my ‘thing’ even that recently, had I???  What would constitute a decent photo to me today was the exception not that long ago.  And, yet I snapped and snapped and snapped.  I didn’t even know when I had it in my hands.  And, when I did stumble upon a good shot, my editing was abysmal.  So, I have to remind myself that while my current reflection might seem a bit blurry to me, that skinny girl from 2007 doesn’t have nearly as much talent as this one does here today.  I may have had rock solid abs back then but I had never been on a water bus in Venice.  My eye was not so carefully honed and my skills were shoddy at best.  So which would I choose??  The me then who was ‘hot’?  Or the me now who is talented and traveled??  I don’t think I need to answer that.  Then, why on Earth do I make myself so miserable?

***6 words***

villain whispers grand peace fantasy: consume

***6 words***

her desperate life.  doctor tried.  ugly.

***decoding the message. behind. backwards. reflected. ***

Decoding the message.  behind.  backwards.  reflected.

Yet it is still there.  Be Amazing.